Payton will be 4 months next Friday, and I can’t believe how fast the time has gone. It’s brought a lot of different emotions because 4 months has been a mark I’ve been looking forward to for the last couple of months. It’s seems in the baby world, 4 months is a big deal. A lot of babies start eating cereal, they’re starting to roll over, sit up, and many will be sleeping through the night. It’s also the day our pediatrician said we can let Payton “Cry It Out” (CIO) to fall asleep, which I’m looking forward to and dreading at the same time.
On one hand, Payton has learned that the only way she can fall asleep is by being fed or held. And the only way she stays asleep is by laying in between my husband and I while we touch her hand or leg and let her know we’re next to her. Which hasn’t been terrible because I love holding her while she falls asleep and waking up to a baby holding your hand is super sweet. But, at almost 4 months, we’re ready to have our bed back. And lately she cries EVERY time she gets tired because she’s trying to fight it and knows someone will pick her up and bounce her to sleep. Not ok! So yes, I’m ready for her to learn how to self soothe and put herself to sleep.
On the other hand, I know listening to her cry for 5/10/15 minutes is going to be HORRIBLE! I’ve never let her cry for more than 2 minutes (rushing to make a bottle) and I don’t know how I’m going to make it. I’ve decided to try Ferber’s method of CIO which allows parents to go in at intervals, waiting longer after each time you go in. I’m praying that it only takes a night or two, but I know it can take up to two weeks. But it’s something we have to do, for our sanity and her safety!
Which brings me to the point of this post. I’ve been feeling super guilty lately. Every night I ask myself the same things: Am I on my phone too much? Do we watch too much TV? Do I read to her enough? Do I interact with her enough? Is she learning enough? Did she have enough tummy time? Have I created a monster by not ever letting her cry? Have I given her enough attention? Too much attention? Have I spoiled her? Did she eat enough? Did she wet enough diapers? And the list goes on…but the one question Google can’t answer for me is, am I being a good mom? In the end, that’s all we ever want to be. And it’s something I can’t honestly answer yes to.