Reality has finally hit me. I’m weeks away from being a mom to two little girls. I have dreamt about this time of my life for so long now…I’ve always wanted to have little girls running around, playing dress up and having spa days with. I just never knew that happens YEARSSSS down the road. Let me explain…
When I was pregnant with Payton, I was oblivious. Sure, people tell you it’s going to be hard but then everyone sugarcoats it by telling you how “rewarding” it is and how time flies by so “enjoy every second.” Which is also true, time eventually starts flying by. But no one tells you about those first couple of months, about how hard breastfeeding is going to be. Or how badly it hurts to keep trying and trying, feeding after feeding. And how tired you’ll be because the baby is hungry all the time and if she’s not hungry, she’s sleepy, or she has a wet diaper, or she wants to be held, or she has reflux and is going to spit up all her milk over the next couple of hours until she’s hungry again and you start the whole process over again! No one tells you that you’ll pretend to still be breast feeding just so you can lock yourself in your room and cry while you hold your new baby with no idea what to do next. No one tells you that you might not have an instant connection with your baby and how hard that’s going to be.
It took me months to admit that I had postpartum depression. I knew I wasn’t feeling like I “should” but I was so embarrassed with my feelings that I didn’t want to share them with anyone. It wasn’t until the day I told my mom that hearing Payton cry annoyed me and didn’t make me sad, that I realized something was very wrong. I mean, who says that about their baby? Who listens to their baby cry for what seems like hours and feels no emotion towards it? It was a terrible feeling…to not feel anything. I didn’t feel like her mother and it killed me. So I finally talked to my doctor, got put on some medicine, and within a few weeks I could feel the difference. Now, I’m not going to lie and say everything went to sunshine and butterflies. I started feeling more “normal” if anything. My anger wasn’t as angry, my sad wasn’t as sad, and I started to feel more like the me before getting pregnant. But the whole feeling like her mom took some time. I’d say we’re about 98% of the way there, now I’m just waiting for her to actually call me MAMA! Yes, she’s said the actual word, but I don’t think she knew what it meant. If you ask her “where’s mama?” she will point to me…so that makes my heart happy. But it took a long time to get to this point, and I’m thankful my mom got me to call my doctor. Being open about how I felt in those months has really helped too. You’d be surprised to know that you’re not the only one struggling and it is very common to have PPD! So let’s all talk about how hard that newborn stage is!
It. Is. Hard.
But we get through it. And now we’re going through a whole new stage that’s also hard (shout-out to those awesome temper tantrums), but knowing that it’s just a phase makes it so much easier. So I can’t say I’m ready to go through the newborn stage again, but knowing what to expect makes it so much easier! And honestly, the only expectation I have is to not expect anything from her. She might do great with breastfeeding, she might not. She might have reflux, she might not. She might not sleep, or maybe (hopefully) she will. But I don’t EXPECT to have the perfect newborn experience like I did before Payton. I don’t expect it to be easy. And I don’t expect her to be like or unlike Payton. I’m just ready to take it day by day. Actually, more like hour by hour. And before we know it, she’ll be turning a year and a half old and I’ll look back at pictures and wonder how in the hell did we get through those 18 months? But then I’ll probably want to do it all over again! 😂😂
I’m learning that this is what motherhood is all about. It’s definitely not the perfection you see from bloggers or celebrities and it’s definitely not easy, but it’s a roller coaster ride of ups and downs. So I know becoming a mother of two is going to be hard, but I’m ready for the challenge. And thankfully I have the best husband and family that make it so much easier! It really does take a village to raise a child, and I’m lucky enough to have the best village.
Anyways, I hope me sharing this makes some of y’all feel better. If you’re becoming a first time mom, just know it’s going to be hard. And 2 weeks will seem like 2 months. Just warning you. And if you’re about to have your 4th or 5th baby, maybe you can share some of your wisdom with me!
Thank y’all for reading!